Ayahuasca and The Morning After

It’s light out.  I didn’t even hear them make an announcement for anyone wanting a second drink.  Disoriented, I rub my eyes sleepily.  I’m on my mat still in the maloca.  I do a quick, mental, attendance check.  Just myself and one other person still here.  Where is everyone?  How did I not hear movement throughout the night?  Did I sleep through everything?  What happened?

Woozy and unstable, I gather my belongings and head back to my accommodation feeling like there will be a lot I will need to process once I come to full consciousness.  I enter my room, drop my possessions, and instantly doze off again.  When I awake, it’s to the sound of one of the ladies from the kitchen ringing a bell signaling that it’s time for breakfast.  I’m famished.

Explaining the Unexplained

This morning, breakfast is different.  Everyone shuffles into the dining area more slowly than usual.  The room is silent and full of weariness.  Breakfast is amazing.  It’s like food straight from The God’s.  My plate is filled with Ecuadorian-style crepes that I stuff with scrambled eggs, tomatoes, and lettuce.  The cuisine is nothing short of perfection.  My crepe creations are accompanied with fresh, juicy watermelon, cantaloupe, and lychee.  Talk is minimal throughout this meal.

I’m exhausted almost as if I’ve used every single last ounce of energy in my body to heal and cleanse myself.  I finish my meal and groggily make a beeline for my bed.  Although I feel like I have just had the best sleep of my life, I am bone-tired.  Just before 10:30 AM, I rouse from my rest, and it’s time to meet for a group discussion in the temple.

We gather in the maloca on our now empty mats from the night before, eagerly waiting for Don Carlos and Jan to arrive and for our integration session to begin.  There is an intense feeling of “afterglow” lingering.  Eyes are twinkling, and smiles are sincere and alert.  The entire energy of the space is authentic and light.

Don Carlos and Jan enter the room and we begin, the same way we had the night before, starting with the person on the first mat closest to the entrance.  Just like any psychedelic encounter, ayahuasca experiences are extremely difficult, if not impossible to describe.  Yet, one by one, we each recount the elaborate, convoluted details of our journey as if it were an intimate, scandalous, tell-all interview.

There are stories of spiritual forces of jaguars, snakes, spiders, and many other doctors of nature.  There are confessions of abuse, neglect, and rejection.  Some have become aware of different ways they need to clean up their lives.  Several have had true “a-ha” moments.  Others have had buried traumas and forgotten experiences brought to light.  And still a few, like myself, feel as though they couldn’t surrender entirely, which of course, is what Mother Aya wants us to do.

Both Don Carlos and Jan’s authentic and passionate demeanor help comfort everyone.  They know their stuff and truly believe in what they are doing, and you can feel it in the air.  There is a strong sense of community.

This integration really helps me to “metabolize” my aya experience, and I’m once again lost deep in my thoughts.  I feel a strong urge to “bring soul to the world” and get in touch with what really matters.  I need to know my true self.  I need to live my truth.  No matter what.

One thing is for certain, although Mother Ayahuasca affects everyone differently, for the room as a whole, she was an intense sensory, visual, and emotional experience, to say the least.  There is a central, collective agreement between us all.  Whatever you imagine about taking and experiencing ayahuasca, it’s nothing you can even begin to fathom.

I am so overstimulated.  I can’t seem to handle normal social interaction as everything feels amplified beyond belief in my head.  The remainder of the day consists of more rest and free time to bathe once again in the sacred river.

My Ayahuasca Experience:  Part Two

The following day consists of a similar itinerary to the first.  Healthy breakfast, jungle walk, and light lunch.  Day four has a special festive surprise in store for us though.  Before our purification plant baths, we have the opportunity to create our very own power amulets from the ayahuasca vine.  This one-of-a-kind handwoven necklace that I create (mostly) without assistance will become the most symbolic and meaningful accessory I own.

And before we know it, it’s time once again.

Night Two:  The Ceremony Begins

The light in the sky appears diffused, and twilight is upon us.  Once more, we gather underneath the thatched roof of the maloca and the ceremony begins.

This time I choose to sit towards the middle of the room.  On the first evening, I don’t think I got the “full experience”, and was wholeheartedly determined to do so this time around.  Tonight will be different.  I’m going to remain in the moment, stay with my breath, release all anxiety, and truly let go.  I was going to “do it right”.  Typical me.

I take my first drink around 8:30 PM although I can’t tell for sure because all phones and electronics are turned off.  Though my position in the room is different, my intention remains unchanged.  Show me who I am, where I’ve been, and where I am going.

Night Two: The Ayahuasca Hits Me

Don Carlos begins to sing ancient medicinal songs called icaros to heal by the power of music and I gradually sink into a trance.  This cup goes much deeper than my initial one, two nights prior.  I can tell quickly that tonight will be different.  It’s only 30 or 40 minutes after I’ve consumed the vile sludge, and already my senses are overwhelmed.  I begin to slip into what I can only describe as the most vivid, lucid dream.  But I’m awake.

I slowly watch my entire life unfold as though it were projected on a movie screen.  Like a life-sized spinning zoetrope, my thirty-something years of existence spirals wildly out of control, yet, time seems to slow down like a bridge across forever.  It’s as though the entire universe is floating behind my eyelids.  One billion images flash like lightning in my mind’s eye.  I catch a glimpse of me at the age of three, playing in the kiddie pool in the yard with my dad.  I see my baby sister being born and me carelessly frolicking through the hospital with my cousins celebrating her birth.  And then an almost imperceptible image of my happily married parents, portrayed as the infamous Stevie Nicks and Lindsey Buckingham, comes to fruition.  I kid you not.  (If you know me, you know.  If you don’t, don’t ask. 😂)  My head feels as though it is completely detached from my body.  Time freezes.  The vision turns dark.

Then suddenly, I see death.  And it is wondrous and beautiful, even magical.  I see the grim reaper.  I am overwhelmed with feelings of warmth and security, even happiness.  It is the most absolute proof of an afterlife I’ve ever experienced.  My body is no longer relevant.  I’m floating into a different realm as some type of primordial soup.  I’m a vibrating particle rotating, swirling, spiraling.  Normal space-time proportions don’t exist.  My mind is speeding faster than a bullet, and my body is frozen stiff.  Then an eerie calmness unexpectedly washes over me, and I smile and start to laugh.

It’s time for my cleansing.  Once again, with the aid of Omar, Don Carlos’s son-in-law, I make my way up to the small throne in front of Don Carlos and take a seat.  He begins to weave energy into and out of my body with his shaker of bundled leaves called a Chakapa.  The “limpieza” or cleaning is different tonight.  On this occasion, I effortlessly face my fears and am able to open my eyes.  As I do, the space surrounding me starts to fold and bend like a gigantic accordion compressing and expanding my entire existence.  I keep my eyes open.

I feel a calming, energetic, purification as the “wind of the forest” passes through me.  Don Carlos chants traditional hymns in a frequency and resonance that is meditative and melodic.  His dedication is impressive.  I can’t help but think to myself, this man is the “real deal”.  He is 75 years old.  The map of wrinkles on his face tells of the most incredible journey.  Yet, nearly eight decades into his existence he is standing here in front of me, incessantly chanting, humming, whistling, and dancing effortlessly, without reservation, moving heaven and earth, quite literally, for every individual in attendance for what seems like an eternity.  It is truly magnificent.

Don Carlos brings me back to the present moment with strong energy and firmness.  He loosely makes fists of his hands and places them on top of one another to form a makeshift vacuum-like tunnel as he unquestionably sucks the negative energy from my body and soul.  He presses down on the top of my head and does something that I can only describe as what feels like he is separating my skull into four quadrants while simultaneously compressing each part of my brain individually.  It’s as if every worry, ailment, or negative experience I’ve ever had is instantly removed from my being.

And just like that, my cleansing is complete.  Omar helps me back to my mat. Feeling totally peaceful and at ease, I slowly settle, completely mind-blown but tranquil.  Then out of nowhere a cascading waterfall of visuals hits me once again.  I’m overstimulated, overwhelmed, anxious, and a little uneasy.

I am lost in a maze.  I’m searching for something.

I have two options at this point.  The first, take deep breaths, relax, and surrender.  The thought of this absolutely petrifies me.  The second, resist and hold on, and distract myself in any way possible.  This option is also terrifying and exactly what I promised myself I would not do.  I let go.

Time doesn’t make sense.  Technology doesn’t make sense.  Breathing, water, food, human life, it all doesn’t make sense.  My anxiety is through the roof.  Somehow still, I don’t purge.

Side note:  Up until this point I had yet to feel even the slightest nausea, in either of the two ceremonies.  And still, now, I had some slight stomach unsettle, but no actual sickness.  However, I heard others purging, sometimes violently, in many forms throughout both nights.  It’s hard to describe because one would think being in a room full of random strangers vomiting, crying, sweating, laughing, sometimes even screaming would be weird or disgusting, but it was actually quite the opposite, almost beautiful.  Although I truly felt for each and every individual who suffered during this process, I knew deep down it meant they were doing the work, ridding themselves of the negative inside, and creating space for something more.

I start to feel a strong sense of self-awareness and the notion of finally understanding life.  I can visually see the energy floating from each person in the room in the form of abundant colors and patterns.  Each shade you would think would naturally match a specific situation does.  Reds for anger and excitement, blues for calmness and peace, white hues for honesty and pureness.  I can detect decades of conditioning from society, questioning and doubting, negative thoughts and belief systems, past traumatic wounds, hatred, anger, sorrow, and sadness being expelled from everyone in various forms.

Everything seemingly connects for me at last.  We can’t move forward in life and identify with our higher selves while holding onto these experiences, attitudes, thoughts, and emotions.  Our souls need to be freed.  And that is exactly what is happening with the purging.

Although thankfully, I’m not actively purging, it is a total free-for-all inside my brain.  “Mother Aya” is unveiling her face, showing me exactly what she feels I need.  I repeat to myself “let go”.

Unfortunately, in everyday life, most of us are so lost in thought of what we have to do, where we have to go, and the tasks we must complete, that we aren’t ever really present.  Generally speaking, we don’t see or appreciate the gift that life is.  Truly remaining in the moment is uncommon, or at best, a fleeting experience.

I remind myself, even though my mind is running wild, just focus on my breath and the present moment.  At this point, my experience begins to shift and I start to really relax and surrender.  I begin to see visions of the spirit world.  It feels eerily familiar like I’ve been here before, and a crazy sense of déjà vu washes over me.  There are countless souls floating around the maloca like bright orbs full of nothing but peace, love, and light.

All of a sudden, I see death again.  This time in a manner different than I have ever imagined.  Blood is flowing, from where I’m unsure.  But there is blood everywhere, flowing like a waterfall.  And I am playing in it.  I’m splashing around like a child, frivolous and free.

Before I know it, they make a call for an additional drink.  Initially, I told myself I would definitely be participating in a second round, but now that it’s “showtime”, I decide I am at the perfect place, and I choose to hold off.  My friend on the mat next to me taps my shoulder, as promised, and quietly whispers asking if I’m ready to go for a walk.  I am ready.  We gather what we can of our belongings, and set off into the night with a muted red headlamp for guidance.

Even though it has been several hours since the ayahuasca entered my system, it’s still very difficult for me to move around on my own.  I walk deliberately and carefully strolling towards the dining area.  My legs feel like Jell-O and each step requires complete concentration.  We take a seat at one of the picnic-style tables and notice a plate of food and a bowl full of red apples on the surface.  We look at each other in absolutely irrational excitement.  It was as though we had never seen food before.  I have never tasted a better apple in my life.  It is incredible.  And pure.  Life is so good.

Side note:  Remember, on the nights of the ayahuasca ceremonies we skip dinner.  So, we were definitely hungry, but by no means were we starving to death although you would have thought so if you witnessed our reactions to the sight of food.  I’ll never forget how deliriously, intoxicatingly happy we were and how we broke out in full belly laughs when we realized how hilarious the whole scene would have appeared to an outsider looking in.  If you ever want to have immense gratitude for food and water, try fasting for any length of time.  Better yet, participate in an ayahuasca ceremony.

As the night wears on, the effects of the ayahuasca dwindle and I begin to settle down.  Feeling sleepy but empowered, I fire up my red headlamp and proceed to the walkway towards my room.  The evening’s mission is complete.

Now I would love to hear from you.

I recognize my experience will sound a bit unusual to many, and is unconventional in nature, even controversial to some.  Keep in mind, every journey is different, and expectations or intentions may vary.  Drop a comment below to let me know your thoughts on my first ayahuasca experience, parts one and two.  I look forward to going deeper with you in part three.  Sending so much love, light, and gratitude to everyone.  <3

If you are interested in learning more about ayahuasca and my experience, check out part one here.  If you have further questions, message me anytime at krystina@girlversusglobe.com.  For more information about the retreat I attended, visit @janrostlinka or Feather Crown.⁠