A question worth asking:  If you took a look into the world’s most honest mirror, what would you see?

I arrived in the little Ecuadorian rainforest town of Santa Clara, eager and enthusiastic with the belief that I was fully primed and ready, but the truth is, there was absolutely no preliminary work that would have prepared me for what I was about to experience and where I was about to go.

Join me on a journey into my first, and definitely not last experience with the powerful plant medicine, ayahuasca.  Although I traveled all the way to South America to the beautiful Amazon Region of Ecuador, essentially, this venture took place inside of me.  And in a big way, it has been the true beginning of my journey inward… and an amazing continuance of my spiritual voyage towards absolute self-love.

What is Ayahuasca?

Despite the modern rise in clinical research and mainstream media coverage, psychedelics are still a fairly controversial topic.  Although indigenous people in countries such as Peru and Ecuador have been brewing the concoction for thousands of years, it wasn’t until fairly recently, experimentation with the plant gained global traction and became more widely recognized as a psychological medicine with the power to heal internal wounds, reconnect ourselves with nature, and bring us to a state of higher consciousness.

The scientific evidence on ayahuasca is limited, but it is known to elevate repressed memories in ways that present a new understanding of the past and bring its consumers psychological healing.  In some cases, neuroscientists have begun to study ayahuasca as a treatment for depression, grief, anxiety, and even addiction.  At the very least, imbibing this tea blend of plant and vine (DMT and MAOI), under the guidance of a shaman, is said to help contribute to self-discovery and a deeper understanding of spirituality and enlightenment.

What Was I Looking for?  Why Did I Embark on This Journey?

Simply put, I was in search of a complete “fixed self”.  I wanted to get out of my own head and catch a glimpse of a higher truth without the years of disciplined practice.  I wanted to discover my purpose and direction in life.  I sought clarity, peace, and true happiness, and it was imperative I deciphered what that all really meant to me.  In short, ideally, I wanted all of the answers to life.  As if that really exists.

The truth is, my spiritual journey actually started several years back.  And although I previously spent a great deal of time and energy working on physical, emotional, and mental self-care, for some reason, I didn’t feel as good as I thought I should.  Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t feel “bad”.  I was at a point where I successfully completed years of therapy and truly felt previous wounds had been healed.  I was practicing yoga regularly, spending time with friends and family, had the courage to leave my job in search of something more, walk away from things I felt no longer served me, and for Christ’s sake, survived a year of a global pandemic.  But I still felt like something was missing.

Like the silent majority, I often found myself searching for happiness from the outside world.  I looked to and depended on “things” to fill me up.  While constantly striving to improve, grow, and expand my horizons, I was searching for meaning (and perfection) in the wrong places, and oftentimes was left feeling empty.  I worked for years on my relationship with myself, knew I needed to start reaching inward, and I was finally ready.

Side Note:  I’d like everyone to understand I KNOW this is an unconventional, even controversial topic.  Ayahuasca is a controlled substance and illegal under federal law in many countries.  It’s something you may fear, not understand, and may not support.  But, in an increasingly polarized world, I encourage you to educate yourself, try to open your mind, and consider other perspectives.  I’m an advocate for alternative medicine, and a true believer in the powers of ayahuasca.  I’m speaking out about my experience because it changed my life.  And maybe my story will help to influence a positive change in someone else’s life as well.

My Ayahuasca Experience:  Part One

Deep in the jungle, in a large, circular, ceremonial hut, traditionally called a maloca, beneath the dramatic Amazonian sky, a dozen foreigners from every corner of the globe are laughing, crying, chanting, and yes, vomiting, all around me.  When my turn finally comes, I say a quick little prayer, remind myself to aim for the bucket, take a brief and uncertain glance at my friend sitting next to me, and hope for the best.  It isn’t long before I begin to cross over into an otherworld.

Five years ago, if you would’ve told me I would spend a week in the middle of the Amazon drinking vile, bitter, thick, dark-colored brew that could induce relentless vomiting, bring about vivid hallucinations, potentially stir up past traumas, and essentially change my life, I would have told you that you were crazy.  But just a few short months ago, there I was, in the Ecuadorian Rainforest, doing just that.⁠

A group of twelve of us spent four consecutive nights (some of the others stayed nine or twelve) at a private healing center called Feather Crown just about an hour outside of the small Amazonian town, Tena, in the beautiful Llanganates National Park of Ecuador.  There is no juice bar, no massage room, and no extravagant yoga studio.  Accommodations are small thatched huts.  It’s hot as flames during the daytime, sometimes chilly at night, and it rains often.  There are bugs.  Although, each bed is equipped with a very nice, spacious mosquito net to help eliminate the intrusion of your space.  (I only had one incidence of bug trespassing during my stay, and in the little grasshopper’s defense, I lazily failed to drop my mosquito net over my bed the evening of his arrival.)  Anyway, to say this is a luxurious environment would be a lie, but then again, when visiting the Amazon Rainforest, luxury isn’t typically the first thing on the mind.  And plus, there’s hot water.  And flushing toilets.  It’s the little things sometimes.  All jokes aside, Feather Crown is relaxing and safe, and beautiful in all of its simplicity.

Unlike many of the other retreat goers, I didn’t alter my diet and start preparing for my ayahuasca ceremony months before I departed for Ecuador.  However, for over a year, I did my research.  I watched several videos, read many articles, and asked practically everyone I came across on my travels throughout the course of a year or so — from the point where I was experimentally thinking I wanted to try it to wholeheartedly becoming aware I was fully ready for the experience.  Every single person’s encounter with the medicine differed, and most people I spoke with couldn’t put it into words.  I was intrigued and didn’t understand it at the time, but I get it now.

When I arrived, I was nervous, but I was ready.  Yet, despite the amount of time spent researching, I hadn’t a clue what to expect.  I participated in two ayahuasca ceremonies over the course of five days, and four nights, and it was the most intense, exhilarating, exhausting, surreal experience I’ve ever had.  And I will never forget my first ayahuasca ceremony.

It was the second night after I arrived at Feather Crown.  And the energy of the entire second day was noticeably different from the day of our arrival.  The anxiety in the air was as intense as the wave of fear that comes just before tipping over the edge of a steep rollercoaster.  Except that stomach-turning sensation lasts mere seconds.  This feeling lingered throughout the whole day.

Our morning began bright and early with a healthy breakfast of scrambled eggs, plantain mash, tomato, avocado, lettuce, fresh watermelon and papaya, and calming tea.  After breakfast, it was time to scrounge up a pair of rubber boots for a mid-morning guided hike with my new friends in the jungle.  Trekking through the rainforest was a welcomed distraction from the matter at hand and what was to come that evening.  But sooner or later, we’d all have to face our fears.

After our stroll around the forest and a refreshing dip in the sacred river behind the property, we gathered for a light lunch of freshly prepared local fish, a small salad, and delicious clear broth soup.  Next, it was time to relax, clear our minds, and enjoy the isolation in nature.  I journaled, set my intention, and read Warrior of the Light by my favorite author, Paulo Coelho.

The afternoon itinerary called for a cleansing and rejuvenating bath in sweet, aromatic, medicinal plants.  For the bath to be most effective, the prescription was a diet of no soap or shampoo, at the very least for the remainder of the day, but preferably, a minimum of three days.  This meant ideally, no more full bathing for the rest of our stay at the retreat.

During an ayahuasca ceremony, it is highly likely you will purge.  Therefore, the day of, and even the days leading up to a ceremony, diet is particular and restrictive with minimal or zero products of animal origin, no salts, oils, or spices, and of course no alcohol.  In order to maintain a light feeling and decrease the heaviness of purging during the ceremony, no dinner is served beforehand.  At the particular retreat I attended, in the late afternoon, we were offered an oatmeal drink of porridge-like consistency to help satiate our hunger if needed.  Each ayahuasca retreat and healer has their own preferences and recommendations they follow, so if you’re trying ayahuasca for the first time, follow the guidance of your healer.

Night One:  The Ceremony Begins

Ayahuasca ceremonies typically take place at night, and ours began at 8 PM.  But first, there was an hour-long preparatory session for questions and answers with Jan Rostlinka, the owner and founder of Feather Crown Retreat.

Dusk arrives, and we gather in a circle on our mats in the beautiful ceremonial maloca with blankets, pillows, and anything else we feel will make our experience more comfortable.  The room is dimly lit, and although our mattresses are only about a foot apart from one another, it’s difficult to distinguish most features of others, even those sitting directly next to us.  At the foot of each mattress is a bucket.  Bundled up, yet feeling vulnerable and exposed, we sit in anticipation for whatever awaits us that evening.

My anxiety is through the roof, and the silence is deafening.  So many thoughts flash across my mind.  I’m excited.  I’m nervous.  I feel as though I might be sick.  Just as I think I can’t possibly handle another intrusive idea, my friend sitting next to me whispers “Promise me if I wake up after this and have become Schizophrenic, you’ll make sure I at least make it back to the United States”.  And then, the Kichwa elder who will be leading the ceremony, Don Carlos Landazuri, enters the room.

Don Carlos has a fascinating air about him.  A high-ranked, experienced shaman, and traditional healer, he instantly captivates the attention of every soul in the space.  Don Carlos takes a seat with Jan positioned to his left, and the ceremony begins.

Don Carlos and Jan both take their first dose of the sacred plant medicine.  We are then told we will approach Don Carlos for our initial serving, beginning with the person on the first mat closest to the entrance.  I am on the second mat, so my turn comes quicker than I am prepared for.

One by one, we make our way to the front and take a seat on a tiny stool directly face to face with Don Carlos.  We didn’t know it at the time, but Jan has been observing each individual’s habits and food intake since arriving at the retreat in order to properly dose us.  Jan pours the dark brown sludgy concoction into a tall-sized shot glass, about ¾ of the way full, hands it to Don Carlos, he raises it to the height of his face, says some incomprehensible words, and I take it from him.  I silently reflect on my intention for the evening and throw back the shot.  The taste is terrible, to say the least, and thankfully, we’re offered a second brew, guayusa, to cleanse our palate, sharpen our senses, and help us to become more lucid.

We’re instructed to try to remain in a seated position and to lean our backs against the wall of the maloca to help us relax and feel more at ease.  We’re told the tea takes at least thirty minutes to work its way through the body.  I feel nothing.  I sit quietly, patiently waiting for forty-five minutes, maybe an hour for everyone to have their turn.  I begin to feel a little “funny”, but nothing overwhelming.  And then all of the sudden, the already dim lights go completely out, the room turns dark as a dungeon, and the Native drumming and chanting start.  This begins the four or more hours of lying on a mat in this circular hut in the pitch-black darkness, technically, in the middle of nowhere, with the jungle screaming all around us.

Night One:  The Ayahuasca Hits Me

Almost immediately, I begin to hear violent vomiting and even some tears.  And then we are called up for our cleansings.  With the aid of some retreat volunteers that have been present since our arrival, one by one, we make our way back up to the tiny stool in front of Don Carlos.

While awaiting my turn, I have more thoughts in my head than I can handle, all the while repeating to myself something along the lines of “Breathe in, breathe out.  I am happy.  I am healthy.  I am safe.  Life is amazing and beautiful.”  It’s not until my time comes, with the “helpers” hand in mine, that I realize the ayahuasca is starting to hit me.  I think to myself and silently pray “Please, please, PLEASE, whatever happens, don’t let me vomit while I’m sitting directly in front of Don Carlos during my cleansing”. 

I take a seat, mentally strap myself in, and prepare for the ride.  Although there is total darkness, I’m too nervous to open my eyes for fear of what I might “see”.  Don Carlos chants in his indigenous Kichwa language and the sounds he creates are quite pleasant.  He makes repeated blowing noises that resemble a strong “WHISH”.  He hums and whistles while shaking and waving a fan composed of leaves from the rainforest.

After some time, I finally work up enough courage to peek through barely opened eyelids and nervously gaze up at Don Carlos.  He is a monstrous jet-black vulture hijacking the room on this chilly Amazonian night.  But somehow, he is warm and safe.  Don Carlos hums louder.  He shakes his leave bundle more violently as if he is physically battling, warding off evil spirits.  I close my eyes.  This triggers more hallucinations which further warp my real world into extreme abstract dreamscape.

Don Carlos now whirls his leaves in circles above me.  I see doves.  They are fluttering in full revolutions, creating an imaginary halo overhead.  I am lost in deep thought.  Although, about what, I’m unsure.  As Don Carlos whisks his leave bouquets down my arms, from shoulders to fingertips, I sense a cool breeze and instantly feel lighter as if an existential burden has been lifted from me. 

Before I know it, my cleansing is complete.  I feel a gentle tap on my shoulder, and one of the “helpers” is there to assist me back to my mat.  Even with the helper’s aid, I struggle as it takes utmost concentration to place one foot in front of the other and make my way across the deck.  I collapse onto my bed.

I’m staring into darkness telling myself to breathe in and out when without warning, everything begins to shift faster than a speeding bullet.  It starts to rain.  Time and sound become distorted.  I quickly sit up and it’s as if I’m propelling myself even further into space.  Everything feels very primitive and otherworldly, like I’ve traveled back into the caveman era, or am floating through a region beyond the Earth’s atmosphere.  My head is detached from my body.  I don’t actually exist.  I can see my hands and move them, but it’s as if my mind is somewhere else.

The rain is now coming down in buckets, drumming against the canopy like daggers falling from the sky.  All of a sudden, I’m extremely warm.  I place my hands on my chest and feel my heart racing.  Once again, I remind myself to breathe as if this instinctual function has now become a voluntary action.  I see flashes of light streak across the tar-black rainforest sky.  I see colors, shapes, patterns, and symbols.  I see an eagle soaring.

Instants later, my body shivers uncontrollably.  Bright reds and blues appear in geometric shapes.  White beams flash like false fireflies in the night.  I’m smiling and giggling to myself like a little school girl.  I suddenly feel as though a huge weight has been lifted, and relief washes over me.  My heart is open and full of affection, forgiveness, and compassion.  I feel a deep love for everything, not just inherently “good” things, but all things.  It’s overwhelming, but not in a scary way.  It’s exhilarating and freeing.

Finally, I surrender to the developing drowsiness I’m feeling, return to a side-lying position on the floor, and slowly slip into a powerfully vivid sub-sleep.  For the remainder of the night, I see sporadic visions, some flashes of light, and have a myriad of varying thoughts which dart into and out of my mind’s eye too fast for me to comprehend.

Click Here For Part Two

If you have questions, please email me anytime at krystina@girlversusglobe.com.  For more information on the specific retreat I attended, which by the way, I cannot recommend enough, visit @janrostlinka or Feather Crown.⁠